The Anti-Romance

The other day, I found this book on my bookshelf.



I have no idea where I got this book. There is a hazy recollection that my brother passed it to me, though why he should have it when he's happily married I do not know. I guess because he's the curious type, like me.

As proof that I will in fact read anything, I read parts of it. It touts itself as a guide to picking up girls. To wit:

The Tic Tac routine: Put two Tic Tacs in your hand. Eat one very slowly. Then feed the second one to her. If she accepts it, say, "There's something I forgot to tell you. I'm an Indian giver. I want my Tic Tac back." Then kiss her.

There are opening lines ("Hey, it looks like the party's over here") and come-on lines ("Allow all of the [positive feelings] flowing from that spot to fill with warmth and intensity... with each breath you take...") that propose a guy can make out with any girl he meets in a bar "within fifteen minutes, even if she's with her boyfriend."

Okay. If I am out with The Guy, there are only four circumstances in which I will make out with you:

1. If you are Clive Owen.
2. If you are George Clooney.
3. If you are Brad Pitt.
4. If you are Paul Newman, circa 1965.

That is all.

The book does not help itself with charming bits like this:

HER: I want to be a police officer.
ME: (Thinking: You'd be the worst police officer on the planet. You'll never be a police officer.) Why don't you pursue your dream?
HER: Blah blah blah, drivel drivel drivel, jabber jabber jabber.

So the advice is bad and the attitude is lame. What to do with this thing? I don't want to inflict it on my library or the already unfortunate folk who shop at Goodwill. Surely someone might want it?

I listed it for sale on Amazon, and it sold in less than 24 hours. To a guy, of course.

It's win-win. He can start practicing, and I made enough money to go buy a romance novel.

I hope he tries the Tic Tac thing. It's totally rad!