How to be a Nationals Beeyotch

It's coming.

I've blogged about it before. But it's coming, and it's worse than ever. That's right, the RWA National Conference is almost here. The Prom, the big high school dance, The Do.

The email loops have been buzzing for weeks. "Who's going to breakfast? Lunch? Who has the reservation? Who are you pitching to? Let's meet up!!" The blogs have been full of advice on what to wear, what to bring, how to behave. If you're going to this thing, you've had an overload of information.

But there hasn't been a peep out of those of us not going. That's 'cos we feel totally inadequate and we don't want to advertise it. But I have no shame. Here, then, is the list on how to totally be a Nationals Beeyotch.

• Take the $42.50 you've saved in your "Nationals in 2015 YEAH!!!!" account and blow it on cheap beer and cigarettes, especially if you don't smoke.
• Take a dark, blurry photo while hammered and post it on your blog with the caption "Me at Nationals!! SO DRUNK!" Bonus points if you can get a pic of you being held over the ladies room toilet by someone who resembles Eloisa James. Even more points if a Connie Brockway lookalike is passed out in the corner.
• Make a pass at every man in the bar by saying, "Didja know, you could really be a cover model. Buy me a drink?"

• Everyone's gone; their blogs are abandoned. Go from blog to blog, hijacking all the comment threads. What are they gonna do?
• Email yourself on the PRO loop over and over. "You still here?" "Why, yes, I am!" "How delightful to hear from you. I thought I was the only one." "You know, I'm a big fan of your books." "Really? I'm a big fan of yours!"
• Take all your dissed Golden Heart manuscripts and self-publish them. Have the bill sent to RWA. Add a note: "SO THERE."
• When everyone starts posting their "Hugs to XXX!" and "Drinks next year with YYY!" stuff, post the comment: "Great pic. That must have been just before you made an ass of yourself by kissing Lisa Kleypas's feet and flashing everyone at the RITA dinner! Gosh, great memories."
• Take Paperback Writer out for a drink. Get her to give you the real dish on everyone. She knows it, she just isn't saying.
• Read Katherine again and blog about how They Just Don't Make 'Em Like That Anymore.
• Finally: While wearing your usual Goodwill wardrobe and eating your daily Ramen noodles, write your next dissed Golden Heart manuscript and tell your mom you're a working writer.

Toodles,
Abby